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Watch your language...

Eilidh Milnes - Wednesday, February 01, 2012

The Power of Attraction!

For over twenty years I’ve been working with clients. And one thing is for sure; if you want to get on the right side of someone, learn to speak his or her "language". This fact applies to sales, customer care and personal relationships. Now at the same time as I was starting my first business back in 1992, Dr Gary Chapman was publishing similar observations and findings in his book, The Five Love Languages.  Since then, the book has sold over five million copies and is regularly on the New York Times bestseller list. It's been translated into more than forty languages.

Communicating that you care

After many years of partner counselling, therapist Dr. Chapman observed how, without even realising it themselves, his patients used a specific "love language" to express their love. Five key categories proved to be universal and comprehensive. I studied his methods and results. It intrigued me that my family all had different preferences and not surprisingly when I started to communicate with them in their preferred way, relationships improved and deepened.

Receiving gifts

Some people only feel loved when they receive a gift. But it’s not about the gift itself. It’s the thought and effort behind it that makes them flourish. In this love language, a missed birthday or anniversary is disastrous. Of course we probably like many of these "languages". The magic is in spotting your predominant one.

Words of affirmation

If this is your key love language words speak louder than actions. Your spirit soars when you hear unsolicited compliments or those three magic words “I love you.” Without them, you may feel taken for granted or – even worse – neglected or ignored.

Quality time

Giving someone your full and undivided attention may be the way to this person’s heart. Turn off the TV, put down your knife and fork. Look into your partner’s eyes, really listen and forget about all the many items on your to-do list. In the vocabulary of this language, distraction, postponements or not listening can be particularly hurtful.

Acts of service

Want to win your way into this woman’s heart? Anything you do to lighten her burden of responsibilities translates into “I love you,” whether that’s picking up the kids from school or cooking dinner or washing the windows.Laziness, broken commitments and creating additional work translate into, “Your feelings don’t matter to me.”

Physical touch

Not surprisingly, a person whose primary language is physical touch is likely to be very touchy themselves. A spontaneous hug or thoughtful pat speaks excitement, concern, care ... and love. It took me aback to realise my 6'2" muscular, rugger playing son was off the chart on physical touch. He loves nothing better than a family group hug.

Read more here and pick up the link to the book. I wonder what love languages your close family and friends prefer. Take time to find out. Develop a magnetic personality. See Key Five in my book, "Confidence, the Seven Keys to your Happiness."

Thank you for all your feedback

Lots of you mail me after each edition of TCI. Your words of encouragment mean a lot - many thanks indeed. Now in case you missed it last time, check out 3 Plus - Women worth Knowing an exclusive story that stopped the clock.

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The Odd Socks

Eilidh Milnes - Wednesday, January 18, 2012

 

The Sock Solution

How does it happen? You put a pair of socks into the washing machine, yet when you hang out the clothes you've lost a sock! Is this scenario familiar to you or is it just me? Does your appliance eat socks as well? Over decades, Jay and I have had debates as to how it is that one sock can go walk-about. Where do they go? Is there a land of lost socks? I started to buy two identical pairs, to increase the odds of finding socks that matched! Then with the arrival of 2012 I thought it time to knock this silly situation on the head.

The Solution

1. Jay now has a laundry bag (as above)
2. He is responsible for placing his socks into the bag in pairs,
3. Socks are washed and duly returned in the bag - job jobbed! 
   

Simple solutions work

Isn't it strange how matters can get out of hand? Yet by putting a process in place you can mostly likely fix things. Apply a sock solution to any issue that you've maybe been ignoring. Get started! Get active! Get moving! Begin with daily physical exercise such as swimming, cycling or walking. Think of as many ways as possible to be mentally proactive by allowing for chill and kick-back time in your daily routine -  a creative solution will appear if you give your mind the opportunity. If you have good stories or ideas to share please be like Graham and drop me a line:

Reader feedback - sometimes bad things happen - it's how you react that counts - Graham's comment:

"Eilidh, I took a redundancy package from work for just the reasons you mention in your last e-shot. (see the post below). I was working with people who always had a reason not to do something, rather than putting in the same effort and channelling that into positive action. It's so draining for those around them, and I'm sure for them too -  but at least they did have a choice. After a couple of months off, I am now ready to start going forwards, for a change!
The other reason I have e-mailed is I saw the attached link, and thought of you...in the sense that I could imagine you saying the same things.  There are lots of ideas on this website, some of which I get, others are too 'New Age'..."

Whether you see the link as 'New Age' or not, we are already nearly three weeks into a new year... whatever you are doing, make it count.

Guest Blogger

I am privileged to be invited to contribute to a number of publications and blogs. Check out 3 Plus - Women worth Knowing This link takes you to an exclusive story that stopped the clock. Feel free to add your thoughts...

If you enjoyed this edition? Then do post it on social networks. It's easy to Re-tweet @eilidhmilnes. You'll find links to my Twitter-wall and Facebook on my homepage. Thank you.

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Don't live on the outside of your life...

Eilidh Milnes - Wednesday, January 04, 2012

 

Don't live on the outside of your life...

Have you ever suffered toothache? Unfortunately few people can say, “No." Over the festive period, I was no exception and experienced the toothache from hell and oddly enough my nearest and dearest came out in sympathy. Catriona's front tooth cracked, Kyle had grinding wisdom teeth and my tooth to put it simply - died - and did not do so quietly! In fact between us we had an extraction, two root canal treatments, two courses of penicillin and morphine administered in an Australia hospital.

Displacement therapy
As I sat in Dr Ermenfried Stark's dental chair in Fulda, I thought to myself, "I'm very lucky to be in the hands of an expert."  And to fend off the pain I applied displacement therapy by planning this e-letter. It occurred to me:

1. Perhaps you need to feel a little pain to make you realise how lucky you are,
2. It is idiotic to continue to do things you know will cause you discomfort - be that mentally, physically or emotionally,
3. If you want to live a great  life you need  plan to be healthy in all three of three areas.

Sometimes bad things happen - it's how you react that counts
We were unfortunate? Do we have poor dental hygiene? Or do bad things just happen sometimes? I'd say that it's the latter. And if you learn one from this tooth drama it is this - don't live on the outside of your life.  In my experience, many people do just this. They live on the outside looking in. It is almost as they have hit their personal "pause" button or pain threshold and say, I'll do that when:

• I've paid off the mortgage,
• The children have gone through school,
• I'm married,
• I've got that promotion,
• I've lost weight,
• I’m divorced.... the list is endless...
  

Some folks will do anything rather than feel the pain of extracting themselves from a difficult situation. They fear the worst outcome rather than seeing a short term pain for a long term gain. Do you spend your life on hold? Does your inaction cause a chain reaction within your circle of friend and family? Do they feel they need to come out in sympathy with you?

Tempus fugit

Take a few moments to reflect because experience tells me that time slips by very quickly and regrets and frustrations take over. Then like my decaying tooth, infection can set in and many areas of your life may be come damaged. You need regular dental checks and the same goes for your general wellbeing.

Get a Check-up from the Neck up!
Find someone you can turn to for advice and support. Find your mental or in my case, dental expert. Get a regular "check up from the neck up!" Take action as part of your personal happiness insurance. Ensure you avoid the serious cost of ignoring, what has to be tackled in your life. You could be looking at a lot more than simply having a back molar removed... make steps today.  

Read more here - a little new year's gift from me to you, an excerpt from Love your Life... Survive the System - Strategies for Coping with Stress.

Here's to 2012!

Eilidh

Pass it on:  The information in TCI may be freely re-used in any online or offline publication, provided it is accompanied by the following credit line - "This information was written by Eilidh Milnes. It originally appeared in "Talk Confidence International" her free e-letter, available at www.eilidhmilnes.com." Thank you.

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You can fly too...

Eilidh Milnes - Wednesday, December 14, 2011

  You can fly too...

Do you have festive traditions? Where you hang certain decorations perhaps? When you write your cards? Or how you wrap your presents? The Milnes Family started a treasure hunt years ago when Kyle and Catriona were toddlers. Our budget was very modest and the game extended present opening throughout the day, each gift regardless of how humble became truly special. The activity allowed us to slow down the pressie opening process - gifts when eventually found were squeezed and shaken to guess what they were. Each was savoured, fondled and noted down for a thank you letter. The treasure hunt was eagerly anticipated and sometimes it took an age to figure out the answers. Clue-writing was fun and more challenging especially as the years went on.

Cultural differences

I think my interest in other cultures dates back to early childhood Christmas memories. I was the youngest of four girls and my mother had help from a Danish au pair called Else. To make Else feel at home we celebrated her way, i.e. presents were opened after a sumptuous meal on Christmas Eve - something the Milnes still does to this day. There are many variations on how Christmas is celebrated around the world. Do share your particular favourites. You may even like to adopt our idea of a treasure hunt. Or perhaps your culture does not recognise Christmas at all, if so do share your traditions. What will you be doing on December 25th?

Little Pilot

Talking global differences leads us perfectly to this cute NEW animation. It's a 1min 30sec upbeat video which introduces the concept of a cultural cockpit, from where our Little Pilot starts his adventure. Be one of the first to check out our diversity dashboard and other clever features. We'd love to have your feedback. We can help you gain the competitive edge not only in international markets but in your domestic workplace. Learn to 'fly from your desk!'

Encore une fois!

Don't wait till New Year to make your resolutions... start planning today to ensure you get what you want. More goal setting strategies here.

When the 2011 holiday season is over will you be remembered for the gifts you gave? Keep Christmas Simple - think of the mnemonic KISS and give the gift of love. Love and kisses never go out of style; never get returned for a refund... and will be more valuable tomorrow than today...read more in previous post below.

Christmas is like love in action

Every time you love, every time you give, every time you share it is the best of you in action. Why not make every day in 2012 a special day to celebrate?

Finally enjoy 'Santa's flight' A card from me to you...

Pass it on: This information may be freely re-used in any online or offline publication, provided it is accompanied by the following credit line - "This information was written by Eilidh Milnes. It originally appeared in "Talk Confidence International" her free e-letter, available at www.eilidhmilnes.com." Thank you. 

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Like a Snowflake

Eilidh Milnes - Wednesday, November 30, 2011

 

Vive la difference!

Regardless of your season, festive fun begins around the world, so let me share a topical Twitter spot - thanks to @JemStone. I love this latest from ad. John Lewis. The storyline and sentiments are delightful! The words of the backing song, "Get what I want..." is perfect. The video has no doubt thrilled the creators as it's had nearly three million hits. On the contrary the Littlewoods advert, is getting very poor press. To quote one angry parent, "I think this ad. is disgusting! I have 3 children, who now think there is no Santa, because the children in this add say their mother buys them their gifts!"

Being Different

I'd offer that John Lewis truly knows and understands it's clients, matches the company ethics and ethos to its target market then dares to be different. The company holds its ground and maintains its standards - no questionable implications dubious morals or poor taste; with the advert ending with "for gifts you can't wait to give," focusing you on generosity not greed.

TCI talked about being different some months ago. Read More.

What do you stand for?

In an interview with Rob Brown of the Banking Academy, I compare a regional manager of a high street bank to a stick of lettered rock - his company and his ethics being at his core. (I use a slightly different analogy on air...)

Do people know what you stand for? Who are you? When your friends, clients or colleagues think of you what springs to mind? Not sure - well there are some tips here to help.

Empower the Difference

Whether speaking or coaching my aim is to "empower the difference."  I encourage clients to cherish their creative spirits, to figure out what works for them and then to keep doing it. Something that makes you stand out from the crowd is your determination to set goals. An excerpt on goal setting from my first book, "Love your life - survive the system..." cites the most revealing exposition on the importance of goals comes from a Harvard study, by Mark McCormack in his book, "What they don’t teach you in Harvard Business School." The graduates of the Harvard MBA programme were asked one simple question: “Have you set clear, written goals for your future and made plans to accomplish them?” Read more here. And if you need help setting to achieve your goals - just give me a call.

The universe is orderly and governed by laws. Goal setting is part of that natural order, as are wintry snowflakes. Like you snowflakes are unique; it's said that no two are the same. I urge you to be max out your uniqueness. Be bold!

Write Goals Down, Date and Take Action

A few weeks ago, a client discussed his goals for the next quarter. He emailed them to be held to account. He put in action. So it won't surprise you to know that he is well on his way to signing them off.

Back to those adverts

Don't wait till New Year to make your resolutions... start planning today to ensure you get what you want. More goal setting strategies. When the 2011 holiday season is over will you be remembered for the gifts you gave? Keep Christmas Simple - think of the mnemonic KISS and give the gift of love. Love and kisses never go out of style. Never get returned for a refund. And will be more valuable tomorrow than today...

Pass it on:

The information in TCI may be freely re-used in any online or offline publication, provided it is accompanied by the following credit line - "This information was written by Eilidh Milnes. It originally appeared in "Talk Confidence International" her free e-letter, available at www.eilidhmilnes.com." Thank you.

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Shoes are Theatre

Eilidh Milnes - Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"Mama always said there is an awful lot you can tell about a person by their shoes... where they are going... and where they have been.." Forrest Gump. "  #eilidhism

Historically, shoes have served as a metaphor in stories and fairy tales. Classics tell of a glass slipper delivered by Prince Charming to Cinderella; in the "Wizard of Oz" Dorothy believes a charlatan wizard has the power to grant her wishes, when all along she is wearing her magic red shoes.

Shoes are theatre! And they are possibly our most important accessory. Our love of beautiful shoes allows us to dance, prance, prop, preen and step-up our game. One of my favourite quotes relating to fashion is from the film, "Steel Magnolias," in which Dolly Parton says, "Honey, the difference between us and the animals is our ability to accessorise!"

James Paton replied to TCI last month, "I have a pair of RM Williams riding boots that are 26 years old," he told me. "They are the best! They have been resoled many times and I love them! Come to think of it, wouldn’t it be great if we humans could  be "re-souled?"  How true James, how very true... James gave me a "wrap for my boots," when I was Downunder in the Manning Valley NSW in September and if you have seen me on-stage recently you'll recall them. (Need photographic evidence? See my Facebook Page)

TCI weblinks: Listen to this great Ted Talk by Malcolm Gladwell on Spaghetti Sauce which might help you find your personal sweet spot. Read more: on Ten Steps to Challenge Super-woman-hood. Take time to re-soul and find out how how to take more control over your life.

Here's to your choice of footwear!

1. May it allow you to be free, powerful and healthy,
2. May it enable you to put one foot in front of the other, to get where you want to be,
3. Or to simply stand happily... and confidently... in the place... where you are... right now.
   

Enjoyed this edition? If so, post on social networks. It's easy to Retweet @eilidhmilnes. You'll find my Twitter-wall here. Thank you! You know where I am if you need me.

Be like James - keep moisturising - your boots!

Quick Links:
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Conversations that Count

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

                                                                  What a great 'footer'- Picture of the Week by James Russell

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Polish your Positivity

Eilidh Milnes - Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Eilidh and Diane - How to Polish your Positivity

It's said that 'a change is as good as a rest,' so this post is driven by audios and videos.

Listen to this radio interview which was recorded in Australia a few weeks ago - ten upbeat minutes on confidence thanks to delightful Diane Ward of 2re. And in UK, Confident Communications with Rob Brown recorded specifically for the banking and financial sector.

TCI weblinks: I spotted this short video on Twitter thanks to TCI reader Paulo Feroloto. Paulo like many, is a fan of Ted Talks. This one's certainly worth 5 minutes of your time - 'Try something new for 30 days... ' by Mark Cutts - it's an excellent reminder and reinforcement for people I've spoken to recently.

Plus speaker tips and secrets - three short clips with presentation, talk and goal tips recorded by two experts I think you may recognise?

Enjoyed this edition - please post on social networks. It's easy to Retweet @eilidhmilnes - you'll find my Twitter-wall and Facebook link on homepage.

Quick Links:
What Eilidh does
Proven coaching satisfaction

Pass it on: The information in TCI may be freely re-used in any online or offline publication, provided it is accompanied by the following credit line - "This information was written by Eilidh Milnes. It originally appeared in "Talk Confidence International" her free e-letter, available at www.eilidhmilnes.com." Thank you.

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The Power of the Pause... learn this speaking technique

Eilidh Milnes - Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Why is pausing so important? Learn the Power of the Pause...

The pause is probably the most under-used delivery technique. Nerves get the better of you and before you know it, you're speaking so fast that your audience is finding it hard to keep up.

A pause presents a rich opportunity to connect with your listeners and add drama to your message. Real power comes from allowing your listener to anticipate what's coming next. Pausing stimulates mental involvement. Listen to this short video - learn how by harnessing the power of the pause, a client increased his presentation success rate by 50%

A pause can completely change the meaning of what is being said. e.g. "You have two ears and one mouth... and they should be used... PAUSE... to eat!" This is not the ending the audience is expecting; it amuses them; keeps them involved. "You have two ears and one mouth and they should be used in this proportion," is what they expected i.e. listen twice as much as you talk. 

Three tips speaking experts recommend:

1. Focus on your open and close. The beginning and end of are the most important part of your talk. At the start, people are forming opinions about you and your message. At the conclusion, you can include a call to action. State your key point in the first 90 seconds and reinforce it as you close.
2. Write out your speech. Practice, practice practice. Reduce your written speech to bullet points that are memory joggers. This process lets you reduce a long presentation to a few keywords. Colour code your talk notes, draw out in a logical or pictorial format, use stories to anchor your thoughts.
3. Practice aloud, always stand up. In an ideal world, you might be able to practice in the talk location. This adds to your comfort and confidence. However, it's not always possible. So give your talk to the four walls, the mirror, the piano or the dog! Preparation and planning promise a perfect performance. Just do it!

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How to say Eilidh

Eilidh Milnes - Friday, October 28, 2011

Lots of people have unusual names and the more you mix with different cultures, the more unique names you're going to find.

Take "Eilidh" for example. How do you get "Ay-lee" or "Ayley" or "Aley" from "Eilidh." It is just not logical; unless you happen to know Scottish Gaelic and let's face it, not many people do!

Eilidh defies common sense and even my lecturers at Glasgow called me "Eye-lid." A client's partner used to delete my emails as he was convinced that E.I.L.I.D.H. must be a virus! And yet I like to think the only thing infectious is my sense of fun.

My father had dyslexia - he picked a perfect name for me don't your think? Saying that, he never could spell it, which is another twist for a name that I have been explaining all my life. At school, I liked being different and felt bewildered the first time I met another girl with MY name! Some people experience a loss of confidence if their names generate nasty nicknames. However, I felt quite the opposite and loved how people responded when faced with Eilidh! It generates amazement, disbelief and questions which lead to conversations and friendships.

If you are not sure how to say Eilidh, listen to the audio file in the website banner - I explain its Celtic origin and meaning - Eilidh means Helen with the same root as Eileen and Aileen. There's also a new interview hot off the wires from Australia. Listen to Diane Ward from the Radio Station 2RE. She starts off our ten minute chat trying to explain to the listeners how to say my name!

For my part I am not precious about Eilidh and am happy for people remember me in their own way - "Lady Positive" as was Tweeted recently ... or the Scottish lady with the funny name! Some called me "Ellie" and others simply "E."

However, when it comes to being found by the search engines what do you do? How likely is it that someone will:

1. Remember my name?
2. Be able to spell it?
3. What will they Google to find me?

Paul (the Bulletman) Kerfoot asked me this very question - the very one that prompted this article in fact. His concern being that I was potentially losing business on web searches because people could not find me. Paul's advice:

"Create a blog post and talk about your unique name and all the nicknames you had at school – and what it did for your confidence – plus all the variations. If these were then TAGged as well this would work a treat I reckon! And try on your current website.

You could also TWEET about it as these would also get picked up on the search engines. A social media strategy on all the wrong ways to do it and a link to the right way (your website/blog post) if you see and get what I mean?"

Read more on this follow-up post "How to remember people's names ." In the meantime please let me know if you have a different way of remembering me or "alternative" spelling as it will help the search engines find me. Thank you!

I am going to action the advice of another expert Paul Kerfoot - right now - off to tag this blog 

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First or third person?

Eilidh Milnes - Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Do you write your professional statement on LinkedIn in first or third person? The previous post below with LinkedIn tips has generated a number of responses and emails direct to my inbox.

I went back to Andy Lopata for clarification, when media man, Michael Dodd raised an argument as to the wisdom of putting your LinkedIn profile in first personal singular. Michael focuses on 'getting your message across' and in his opinion  - use third person because:

"It seems more objective - it stops the CV being so "I this" and "I that" and makes it easier to write in a way that focuses on what you can do for the reader"

What do you think?

Andy expanded his strategy further by countering:
"While it is important, I agree, to focus on what you do for the people you'd like to meet, LinkedIn is a social network and is, above all, about building relationships. People are far more likely to engage and build a relationship with a profile written in the first person than with a cold CV.

In fact, I would argue that the thought that goes into writing something from the heart, would make it more likely that you can get across why people should connect with you in a powerful way than a run-of-the-mill, copy and paste biography.

LinkedIn is about connections, not sales. While your prospects may read your profile, so will your 'Champions', the people who might not buy from you but would, with the right relationship, refer you. A cold sales text won't help you develop that trust and those relationships in the same way as a more personal approach.

While written in the first person, the subject matter should still be predominantly (although not exclusively) focused on what you deliver; that doesn't change.

For objective comment, get people who have personally experienced or witness the quality of your service to post testimonials to testify to that and complement your own profile."

Maybe we can learn from both of these experts and apply a little of each strategy - you can check out my profile on LinkedIn here.

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